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I still exist [ UPDATED >> Thursday 05/22/08 @ 12:08 am ] [ mood | ugh ] [ music | Sunday Best - Augustana ] Life has been completely crazy as of late. I'm not going to give a full post but i'll sum up what's been going down. + Finished my first year of college + Ryan and I's FIVE year anniversary is two weeks from yesterday + My family bought our dream home in Georgia on Monday - Life has sucked for the most part - I loathe PetSmart management - Bad mood - STRESS Life has been rough but I'm hanging in. Things are beginning to look up so I'm thankful for that. If you would like to see some pictures of my new house, go to: www.photobucket.com/alm1219 Then go to the left hand side of the screen and click on THE NEW HOUSE =] It's located in Brunswick, Georgia which is about 45 minutes from the Florida line, and an hour and a half from Jacksonville. 004 + Comment + Remember + Edit

You last mortal thought will be why did I just take so many days, like today for granted.... [ UPDATED >> Thursday 03/06/08 @ 10:24 pm ] [ mood | scared ] [ music | Please don't stop the music ] I have taken for granted so many days. I am so irate with myself that I thought that my life was that bad before. I am apaulled at the feelings that I had for my parents. I thought I was scared before... My father was just diagnosed with diabetes, and I've never been this afraid in my life. Better update soon. Comment + Remember + Edit

I've fallen quite hard over you... it's you... [ UPDATED >> Thursday 12/27/07 @ 8:14 pm ] [ mood | sick ] [ music | Coffee Shop- Landon Pigg ] I'm currently down Ocean City and have been since Christmas Day just enjoying the rest and relaxation. Oh, and this totally sweet cold that I also received as a Christmas present from Ryan (NOT!) But since everyone else has listed their gifts I figured I'd join in the festivities. Christmas Recap: Mom/Dad + Ed Reed Ravens Jersey and Ravens lounge pants + 2 pairs of totally comfortable jockey pajama pants + A variety of hair brushes in a bag (awesome because now I can't lose them) + A couple lip balms/nail polish + Sony Cybershot digital camera + Targus case for said camera + Digital camera case as well for said camera + $1200 African Grey Parrot purchased/brought home back in October lol + Adidas perfume + Sweater + Stuffed moose From Ryan + Finding Nemo Christmas Ornament + The Human Body Book + A beautiful three stone promise ring =] ! From Ryan's Family + Sugar scrub from Cape May - totally awesome but it has no oil and makes your skin feel amazing + The comfiest lounge socks ever (microplush) + Body spray + Shower Scrubbie + Tickets with Ryan, his parents,and his brother + brother's girlfriend to go see The Blue Man Group in February From my Grandmother/Brother + Adidas perfume + $50 dollar iTunes card + $50 cash From my Godfamily + $50 By the Docks giftcard From my other grandparents + $50 cash From all of my aunt/uncles/cousins + Absolutely nothing Overall it was a pretty awesome Christmas. Maybe i'll update again soon, we'll see how much time I have 001 + Comment + Remember + Edit

This ship went down in sight of land [ UPDATED >> Sunday 10/21/07 @ 7:51 pm ] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | silence ] Hello once again yet another 19 week hiatus. I apologize in advance for my lack of complete thoughts that are bound to happen and will most likely be horrible sentence structure but I'm just feeling imcomplete right now as it is anyway. Just a warning. Not a whole lot has happened since my last entry on June 4th. Here's a brief recap starting in July. July  + 2nd - 17th - Daytona Beach, Florida and St. Simons Island, Georgia. Nothing but the beach and relaxation, peace and quiet.  And as for the last day, the horrible gut wrenching feeling of having to back to Baltimore the one place that i absolutely despise. + work, work, work + 31st- I got my license finally August +1st - Bought my brand new car, on my own, no money from my parents. A brand new 07 Granite Blue Cobalt LS.... 15,000 dollars.  +28th - first day of college and the start of "a new life"  September + absolutely nothing but school, work, and Ryan and Now... October: This month has by far been filled with some of the highest and lowest points in my life. I have felt nothing more than worthless most of the month for reasons I'm not quite sure of. All I know is that I feel lost, alone, abandoned. I don't know where I'm going in my life and that's been difficult on me. I've always been so sure. Its been nothing more than a constant uphill battle with life and it's wearing me out and the thing is, no one has a clue. I have completely shut Ryan out, we fight all the time because of my crass remarks and baracade of feelings and thoughts. I blame him, for everything and he's done nothing but be there for me. That's one thing I can't forgive myself for. I just feel so much pain and emptyness for God only knows why and it's tearing me apart. I feel like I can't talk to anyone, no one listens, no one will care. I'm one person, why waste time on that. But that's me, the worthless, useless existor. Part of the problem with this whole ordeal is what it's doing to me physically. I had a doctors appointment back in '05 when I was diagnosed with my anxiety disorder and I weighed in at 113. I had another appointment back in July for my college physical and my weight was 98. My current weight is 96 pounds and in all honesty, i'm not working out, i'm eating horribly and i'm definitely not anorexic or bulimic. It's really scary and they have no idea why i'm losing this type of weight like this. I can fit into my size 14/16 jeans from middle school that i found cleaning out my closet a few weeks ago, and my pants that are 3's and 1's are now too big. It's sickening, and I hate the looks I get from people when i tell them that when its brought up into a conversation because they figure yea whatever, youre doing something and in all honesty i'm not. I'm content with my body. My dad thinks i don't eat at all, when all i eat is tv dinners because that's all i have time for and junk because i can take it on the road. I have no idea... but its costing a lot of money to keep buying clothes that fit. I have had some fairly positive things happen to me. With all of this going on, working 20+ hours a week, and going to school and commuting an hour away from home and having limited time I right now have 3 B's, and 2 B+'s in all of my classes, and received nothing but A's and B's on my mid-terms. I'm somewhat succeeding in college, but those grades aren't good enough.  I have also added a new addition to my family which makes me feel fairly happy. A 5 month old Timneh African Grey Parrot. He'll live for 60 years but he makes me so happy. He came to the store at 2 months old, and I hand-fed him from that point on and since then, hes considered me mommy. Its nice to have something that you know really needs you and considers you their entire life. It's a long term committment but I'm ready for it. His name is Beaker. He always bit people when they'd try and take him from me, and he made sounds like Beaker from Sesame Street so I named him at 2 months, 3 before I even got him. It took some persuasion with my parents but they eventually agreed that we would be the best home for him.I felt obligated to get him, and from what I've heard from others in the veterinary medicine field, he wouldn't have survived with anyone else. The only people interested in him were dirtballs who just wanted a bird that could talk, my reason, I fell in love. He was $1200, but well worth it, he's a complete sweetheart. I'm still waiting to hear from Ryan, we hung up 4 hours ago and I haven't heard anything since. I'm scared of what's happening to us, but in all honesty I'm so numb right now, it's not even bothering me. What the hell is wrong with me... I think i'm doomed... God, this is an S.O.S. Nothing can really save me now. 001 + Comment + Remember + Edit

[ UPDATED >> Monday 06/04/07 @ 10:07 pm ] [ mood | loved ] [ music | I Could Not Ask for More- Edwin McCain ] Sorry for my brief hiatus. It's been crazy with high school finally coming to a close. I've been better now, and I'm especially better now that high school is over and done with because these have been far from the best of my life.  First off, I'm not down Senior Week right now like everyone else. I don't drink, so why pay 200 bucks to watch everyone else get into trouble, and me end up getting caught up into it. Screw that, i'll hang out with my love, and make some extra money. I start driving school monday, and get my license the week I get home from Florida =] I graduated last Thursday and my night was a living hell. My brother for some reason at 28 years old feels the need to think that everything revolves around him, and anything pertaining to me, is worthless essentially. So after that battle, we went, I received my diploma and it was finished. I didn't have the opportunity to take pictures with anyone because my dad was in a hurry but in retrospect I'm honestly not that heart broken about it. My parents, Ryan, and I went out to TGIF's and got dinner, walked around for a bit, and went home. Friday night was Ryan's graduation, so I attended that, went to By the Docks with his family for dinner, and came home.  Sunday was his graduation party, where I was the odd ball but he was extra affectionate which was lovely since usually, he's not one to show mega affection around others which I understand. His grandmother, and parents both gave me money for graduation and just over the past few outings with his family such as prom, his play, and graduation/party  I feel so comfortable. It's as though ever since I showed his mom I had no intentions of leaving or hurting her son we've been great. She's more social and welcoming of me, and it's making me feel great, I'm so happy things are falling into place, God knows I've tried hard for this.  Speaking of Ryan and I, today June 4th, 2007 is our FOUR year anniversary =] I'm so unbelievably happy, I never thought it was possibly to feel this way about another person. He took me out to the Rain Forest Cafe for lunch, then we went and bought a new betta fish, because mine died last night, so we picked one out together. He also bought me the most beautiful dozen red roses from Drayers. I've received roses before, but wow, they are absolutely beautiful and he paid a pretty penny for these. Then we came home and watched Cheaper by the Dozen 2 and then he had to head home =[ Honestly, he's the one. He's it, if any two people were meant to be together, it's him and I. I'm excited for our future, and getting ready to go to college together, and my parents allowing him to move to Georgia with us when the time comes. Life with him makes perfect sense, and pardon my being cliche. I evidently have more presents that he wants to span out over the next little while, I'm excited to see what that means.  Congratulations Aubrey, you're finally really happy, and things are finally going well. Stress has been non-existant, even at work and it's a feeling I've waited for forever. I'm loving life, and I really don't expect that to stop anytime soon. 005 + Comment + Remember + Edit

Cause these are the moments, these are the times, lets make the best out of our lives... [ UPDATED >> Sunday 05/13/07 @ 11:53 am ] [ mood | ecstatic ] [ music | Our Lives- The Calling ] So this will most likely end up turning into another mega entry but it's worth it. So the past few nights have been crazy but nothing short of amazing. Friday night was my prom, and last night was Ryan's and i am completely tired as anything. But i will break up the stories of the evening for you guys. KENWOOD'S PROM This year it was held at the Hyatt Regency in downtown Baltimore and the place was gorgeous. The night got off to a somewhat bad start, my mom had the stomach flu, my dress that was already 2 sizes too big didn't fit because i lost MORE weight evidently and it wouldn't stay up fo the life of me. Then we go to pick up Ryan which was okay, and we got our pictures taken at his house and then headed over to the hotel. We got there only to discover tada! i left my ID at home. So my mom came in and talked to the teacher who i had freshmen year, Ms. Zatkos and we got everything squared away. Then we got our professional pictures taken and headed in with Kelly and Steve. We sat around and talked and said our hellos, got some chips and salsa and such and then busted out with the food : crab cakes, coconut shrimp, spring onion rolls, and scallops with bacon and such. We did minimal dancing only because i hate half of the people that were there and i wasn't reallllly comfortable and such. I did however dance a few times as the hockey girls proceeded to grab me and drag me out, sandwhich me, and make me dance. Nevertheless, they hit me so hard that my shoe came off a bit, my bra/dress started falling down. We watched swing dance competitions, and surfing. Then they did prom court, Travis Hamburg won King, and Autumn Williams was Queen and then we hung out until around 11:45 and left. We got home, waited for Kelly and Steve to come get us and then headed over to the after prom party. We had a blast, ended up bowling 6 games, got more pictures and just goofed off. We did the raffles and such Ryan and i evidently have no luck, kelly ended up winning the refridgerator and let me tell you that was fun loading that into the back of Steve's truck at 3:30 in the morning. Then they dropped up back off, we took Ryan home at 4, and i was asleep by 4:30. NOW FOR THE REALLLLLY FUN ONE! SPARROWS POINT! First off, i love these kids SO much more than the ones i go to school with therefore, i had a much better time. It was rocky at first let me tell you though. I woke up around 1 to my mom going okay, i'll leave the house in a minute. Hang up the phone, and yell WELL I'M ON MY WAY TO SHOCK TRAUMA!. Evidently my 28 year old brother was working on a pool, a 70 pound rock falls on his head, busts it open, and he falls into a filled swimming pool! Then lays in the sun bleeding for 15 minutes. He had to go get a CT scan and 8 staples in his head. The problem with this is that my parents went there to be with him, and i had to catch the limo at Amandas at 5:30. By this point i'm pissed because my mom is missing my prom for the second night in a row and i'm rushing to get things worked out. So i took control, told Ry he needed to pick me up, organized it, and was ready to leave at 5:30. So they grab me, his mom was nothing less than absolutely wonderful for the second night which was such a help, and then we headed to Amanda's. We got there just in time as they pulled up as soon as we did. So we took a bunch of pictures boarded the BUS and headed to prom.  Yes i said bus as we rented a party bus and we didn't have music the way up so we improvised lol. It was at The Grand Lodge up in Hunt Valley so we got there and signed in and such got some food: crab dip, sweet and sour chicken, riblets and then headed into the prom. Now, it started at 7 and around 7:30 we noticed there was no music and no DJ. So we did some research to find there was a problem with the DJ and they were on their way. They got there around 8:30 and the music started by 9 lol. So naturally we all danced, i danced the entire night non-stop. IveNEVER done that but then again, i've never been that comfortable around anyone else but those kids. We had a great time, we were the last one's there and we chose I Believe in a thing called love as our last song =] we rocked out to the bus and continued the party to Numa Numa and other club mixes =] Then we headed back to Ry's house. We played guitar, games, stuffed our faces and such and then everyone else left on the bus to head home. Now, here is the kicker: My parents FINALLY let me spend the night at Ryan's house it was incredible. For the first time in FOUR years of dating i could. That is a huge step. They were like since you're so responsible and we saw a lot of that tonight with you getting yourself ready and on your way you can. So we hung out until 2, made him a bed on the couch, went upstairs and got washed up, then he put me to bed and i stayed up until about 2:40 before i couldn't take it anymore. I woke up at 940 cause my mom texted me asking when they could get me cause they wanted to go out to brunch. So i got washed up and stuff and headed downstairs. I woke the boy up and hung around for a bit and they brought me home at 11.  I feel so much closer to his family now, just that i've been accepted and they were all so incredibly nice, comforting and helpful. They're amazing and i didn't feel nervous or anything and i haven't felt like that with them ever. I'm happy. For the first time in a long time i'm happy with my life. The downfall is i miss Ryan so much, and it's so hard not to be with him right now when i have been for the larger part of 2 days. Last night made me realize how much i love him and how much i want to keep him in my life. He's amazing, and nothing short of that. He is definitely the one, no doubt about it, that i finally found him =]  But now i'm going to go eat hot dog with my mom and watch Nascar. I'll have pictures as they come in everyone else took them. I hope you all have had a great weekend, and everything is going well. I'll update again soon. [ps] i move departments tomorrow: i'm now working in specialty with fish and such Comment + Remember + Edit

sing me something soft, sad and delicate, or loud and out of key, sing me anything... [ UPDATED >> Saturday 05/05/07 @ 11:27 pm ] [ mood | tired ] [ music | Existentialism on Prom Night- Straylight Run ] Things are slowly starting to get  better.  School is winding down thank gosh and stress is lifting off as the days pass and it's amazing. I do have a lot coming up though. + My first of 4 AP tests is thursday which is english. Then Psych is the 15th, and Econ is the 17th. I do have major projects due within the next 2 weeks and little time to accomplish them but i'll be okay. + Prom is next friday, and Ryan's prom is next saturday and i'm excited about that. i'll post pictures when i get them in i promise.  + I graduate the 31st, and Ryan's is the 1st But i'm happy. Things really have gotten better from my last post which makes me feel better. I mean to an extent that is. My parents have really been putting me down lately and that's what's been making me unhappy. Then Ryan and i fought for a straight week which magnified everything BUT we are sooo much better now and i think something finally clicked with him on that he was hurting me pretty badly and just today he acted like a completely different person. i'm learning i need more me time, and more time just to kick back and worry about nothing other than myself and enjoy the time i have because i don't know how much more there will be =] Work has been fairly well. I worked last Saturday 3:30-9:30. Then was off sunday-wednesday. Worked this Thursday and Friday 4-9:30, and then today 1:9:30 and i'm beat. But i'm off until Thursday again, work from 4:30-9:30, and then i'm off again until at least Sunday =] i'm also being moved from cashier to specialty, so i'll be working with the fish/reptiles/small animals, so unfortunately no more discounts starting in a week and a half =[ By the way, i made my decision on college: Villa Julie 2011 =] and coincidently Ryan is going too! (and we didn't decide together and had no influence, we chose on our own) So slowly but surely life is falling into place. Our anniversary is next month FOUR YEARS! it's so funny that we have pictures from our middle school graduation and our middle school banquet. And here we are, 4 years later getting ready to have senior prom pictures taken, and the same for our graduations. We've made it through the hardest four years we'll have to endure and that's being apart through all of high school. He's the one that i want, and now i know we can make it through everything. I guess as i'm sitting here, i'm realizing just how much i have and how happy i really am, i guess i just need to remember the little things that i have =] i hope everyones doing well and if ya guys wanna know anything specific let me know! i miss you all! [ps// i'm thinking i'll be making a massive post once a week just because that's all time is allowing right now. sorry guys!] 003 + Comment + Remember + Edit

one hundred foot faces, of God's good ocean gone wrong.. [ UPDATED >> Saturday 04/28/07 @ 2:02 pm ] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | play crack the sky- brand new ] i'll update later but.. what do you do when you feel like you can't go on anymore? when you feel like you've taken all you could and you just can't keep going... what do you do when that feeling is this overwhelming...? 001 + Comment + Remember + Edit

twenty bucks says you'll remember me... it may be the first time, but it won't be the last time... [ UPDATED >> Saturday 04/21/07 @ 10:20 pm ] [ mood | tired ] [ music | Monument- A Day to Remember ] So this is my first REAL entry =] I'm ecstatic with life right now, and this is a feeling i haven't felt in at least 6 months. Last night was great. Ryan came and picked up around 2:45 afterschool , we picked a movie which turned out to be Are We Done Yet? and headed over to the theater. The movie was good =] i liked it. Then we walked around for a bit, headed over to the mall and walked around some more and then he brought me home around 7:30. No one was here so we just laid in bed together for a bit and it was great =]. Last night was like no other night we've ever spent together before. He's always told me that he's wanted to marry me, but last night HE made first mention of getting a house, and HE reached to hold my hand and just i don't know what came over him but he was a completely different person. I've always known he's the one, and i've always known that i wanted to marry him but last night i knew i had to, and wouldn't have it any other way. He's amazing. He's changed so much for this relationship and really stepped up to the plate. We haven't fought in a month which is a first (we used to never fight but then it got bad around the 2 and a half year mark) We've grown so much as a couple, and i'm so excited to see what the future has in store for us. I had to work from 1 - 9:30 tonight. That wasn't even so bad. Ryan came by around 4:15 and ate dinner with me =] Overall there was nothing really bad other than the crazy coupon lady who couldn't figure out why we wouldn't give her the discount when she didn't have the coupon. Working retail shows you to the true idiocy of most people. I don't work again until Wednesday and a four day weekend is WONDERFUL!  I don't have much homework so i'll hold that off until tomorrow because i am beat. Oh, and we found a house in Georgia and are planning on moving in two years. They offered my dad a HIGH pay raise at work that we can't turn down so he's going to retire at the end of next year. Ryan and i are working out our living arrangements for that time so we'll see what happens. I hope all you guys had a good night. i'll update again soon. Comment + Remember + Edit

Hello again!! [ UPDATED >> Saturday 04/21/07 @ 10:05 pm ] [ mood | content ] [ music | Rescued- Jack's Mannequin ] Hey everyone =] I just openned a new chapter in my life and i'm completely starting over and reevaluating everything. So i finally decided to start this thing back up. I miss having something to vent, share, and remember the things in my life with.  Plus time i decided to add only the few of you  because you're most likely the only ones who really care anyway, and you're the only ones who's journals i ever read so feel special. This entry is going to be a bit lengthy because i'm going to take the time to let you guys know what's been going on lately and such with me but i'll put it under a cut so that it doesn't crowd your friends pages. ( The past few months... ) So life is getting better, and i'm getting happier. i'm finding myself more and more each day and hopefully that continues. i'll update pretty much whenever i get a moment to breathe, but there will be more than just this. i promise. although i always say that, but this time... I'm serious. Comment + Remember + Edit

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